Wakeup Call

I am a big, beautiful, brunette bombshell. At least I keep telling myself that. I will tell you firsthand that I mostly don't care what people think of me, but deep down I think I really do. I can't remember the days when I was a skinny minnie. I have one picture and I barely remember a size four and eight in jeans.

I do remember going into a movie theater and stepping on one of those weight ratio thingies and it telling me I was severly obese at 140 lbs for my 5'2" frame. I remember when I was 15 going in to Eve's Leaves downtown, asking if they had anything in my size, and being told I had broad shoulders like a football player and would only find clothes that fit me at Wal-Mart. I remember looking at Cosmopolitan, Teen and Seventeen magazines and daydreaming, "if only i could look like THAT..." It hurts me when my mom, a five foot size three, always is saying she is so fat. Thanks mom, I easily have a hundred pounds on you.... And when I go shopping the bigger the sizes you get, the uglier the clothes are. Not mean. A fact. I want to look good too...
At average I weigh 180-200 pounds. But I gain and lose that 20 easily. I get to the point that I can't see my feet and decide it's time to change that. Then when someone points out that it looks like I am losing weight I hork out and binge until I gain it back.

I feel so tossed up about this weight issue. As most of American women do. Why should I feel bad about not being a size four? Why should I restrict myself from the things I love just so I can appease everyone else?
My husband is always telling me," I still find you attractive. You are beautiful to me"
But do I feel attractive and beautiful to myself? Isn't that ultimately what I need?

I was standing in front of the mirror the other day trying to find a shirt I felt good to wear for the day. I was talking to myself out loud and Andrew was sitting on the bed listening to my gripes and negative comments and almost started crying. He said something along the line that he hopes Mia doesn't grow up feeling uncomfortable and bad about herself as all women seem to be.

What is wrong with me?

I mean even knowing American culture pushes the skinny on everyone to the point it's unhealthy, am I so terrible as I am unknowingly setting a bad example for my daughter? I want her to grow up loving herself no matter what size, shape, color, blemish, quirk, etc she has. And how can I do that if I don't do that myself? How do I make myself not care anymore? I'm healthy, happy, and my husband still wants me. Shouldn't I be happy with that?